When I was diagnosed with BPD in April 2009, I was relieved that finally I was able to put a name to what I had been experiencing all of my life. The self destructive behavior, the intense emotion, the constant crippling fear, and the sporadic bursts of anger and depression were rolled up into a ball packaged with a bow and given to me with a name. “Ok”, I said to my counselor, “So how do I get rid of it? What do I take to make it go away.” I was told that I may see some progress with years of therapy and even then the treatment must be ongoing, but BPD never goes away, it only becomes controlled. In my mind I had just received my death sentence. I was officially “Mentally Ill.” All of my hopes and dreams slipped away. I would not be able to live independently or get my Doctorate degree. I couldn’t hold a job or be loved or feel safe or feel good about myself because I was (in My mind) destroyed. The years that followed my diagnosis were sad ones. Every night I cried myself to sleep-a routine that I unfortunately keep up today-I lived in fear that I would never BE any thing. I burden to my mother and a spectacle among the family. Nothing but a shame. And I asked God why every day and sought our hypnotists and specialists, natural healers and psychiatrists. I just wanted to be normal. I wanted to not FEEL things as much and to be able to have healthy relationships where I don’t feel the urge to control others and I’m not terrified that they will leave me and I can actually be loved correctly.
One day God answered. I found a book that someone from the first institution had recommended me to buy. When I started reading, it contained messages about my true self and the power I had over my own mind to change my whole life. My interest was sparked and I found the Spiritual Living Center then joined the congregation after being there only twice. I was so clear back then and I felt like I was changing. I really believed that I was healed and that I had emotional control and that I could continue my life as normal as long as I stayed focused on the truth about myself which was; I am whole perfect and complete. Everything that I need to be successful and happy and fulfilled in life I already have. I was born with all the skills and tools to build and develop a healthy life for myself. Anything I wanted I already had, I only needed to turn to the universe and ask. While we as human beings never create, we are made of the same universal intelligence. And we can use the creative power of God, the Universe, Mind, or whatever the higher power one choses to follow.
Life got crazy though. I made decisions that kept me away from the spiritual center and eventually stopped meditating and attending services all together. I fell back into negative habits and began blaming people for my problems instead of taking responsibility for them. I began feeding my resentments and hating instead of loving. I began to fall into the woe is me again. So here I stand starting all over. Planning how to get my life back to the place where I am aware of my true self and the power that I possess even when I feel powerless. Doctor Ernerst Holmes, founder of Science of Mind, says that the best way to transform a situation is to give your full attention to the things that you do want. This brings me back to an earlier entry I posted about choice and decision. In order to focus on what you want, You have to know what you want. (sigh) I don’t yet know 100% what that is because I don’t yet know how to believe that what I want is possible for me. I doubt and I doubt hard. I know that is the problem. Why don’t I believe that I can have even the basic things that other people have? I know. I’ve spent years telling myself that I’m not deserving or that I should content myself with less. Sadly, despite all my knowledge of self and my disdain for my current situation, I still believe that. I guess I have a long way to go. But that is my story, The whole truth.