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“The thing about life is that you must survive. Life is going to be difficult, and dreadful things will happen. What you do is move along, get on with it, and be tough. Not in the sense of being mean to others, but being tough with yourself and making a deadly effort not to be defeated.”
   ~ Katharine Hepburn (1907-2003)

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Love…I Hate February

Love. In service a week ago my Rev. Tony said that people use the wrong verbiage and subconsciously plant the wrong seed when they say that they are gonna “fight” things. All the time humans say that they are gonna fight the system, fight cancer, fight for freedom or get up and fight. That isn’t right at all because where there is light, darkness can not exist and where there is love hate can not survive. Rev. Tony, unlike many others (Gandhi, Jesus, etc.) suggests that when you want to change something with little effort, you give it love. When you want to heal some condition you give it love. Love is all you need. I’ve taken up crying as a hobby once again and it just so happens that as my good new thought minister stood at the podium and gave this wonderful discourse about how love heals everything, I practiced that hobby in the back row like a blubbering fool. I cried because I fully believe every word he says. Love is a healer and a source of strength and ultimately it is all we need and God knows I try so hard. I try to be happy, I try to be positive. I pray I pretend I laugh even though all I wanna do every day is cry. I tell myself it doesn’t hurt when it does I listen to my friends talk about date night and the presents they got on valentines day, My best girlfriend Ambs is pregnant and my close friend Maria is in love. Meanwhile I wait for something that never comes. And it makes me feel so bad about myself. Its like What is wrong with me? I’m kind and smart and funny when I’m not manic and FULL to the rim with love to give someone. But no one wants it. I’m not good enough or pretty enough or too crazy or to difficult for anyone to even love. What kind of person am I? why am I unlovable?  Its been 5 years since whats-his-name, why?????? But i never get an answer and I never seem to feel (therefore BE) better. (Deep breath) But I am a big brave girl. I stand, wobbly as hell, but I stand up all alone and all by myself. I am strong and I am all enduring all the time. I ain’t no stranger to feeling bad, thats for sure. And I will not break over being lonely. This will pass I know, but until then I may just have no other choice but to fight.

LLW

c.renee

The Whole Truth, So Help Me God

When I was diagnosed with BPD in April 2009, I was relieved that finally I was able to put a name to what I had been experiencing all of my life. The self destructive behavior, the intense emotion, the constant crippling fear, and the sporadic bursts of anger and depression were rolled up into a ball packaged with a bow and given to me with a name. “Ok”, I said to my counselor, “So how do I get rid of it? What do I take to make it go away.” I was told that I may see some progress with years of therapy and even then the treatment must be ongoing, but BPD never goes away, it only becomes controlled. In my mind I had just received my death sentence. I was officially “Mentally Ill.” All of my hopes and dreams slipped away. I would not be able to live independently or get my Doctorate degree. I couldn’t hold a job or be loved or feel safe or feel good about myself because I was (in My mind) destroyed. The years that followed my diagnosis were sad ones. Every night I cried myself to sleep-a routine that I unfortunately keep up today-I lived in fear that I would never BE any thing. I burden to my mother and a spectacle among the family. Nothing but a shame. And I asked God why every day and sought our hypnotists and specialists, natural healers and psychiatrists. I just wanted to be normal. I wanted to not FEEL things as much and to be able to have healthy relationships where I don’t feel the urge to control others and I’m not terrified that they will leave me and I can actually be loved correctly.

One day God answered. I found a book that someone from the first institution had recommended me to buy. When I started reading, it contained messages about my true self and the power I had over my own mind to change my whole life. My interest was sparked and I found the Spiritual Living Center then joined the congregation after being there only twice. I was so clear back then and I felt like I was changing. I really believed that I was healed and that I had emotional control and that I could continue my life as normal as long as I stayed focused on the truth about myself which was; I am whole perfect and complete. Everything that I need to be successful and happy and fulfilled in life I already have. I was born with all the skills and tools to build and develop a healthy life for myself. Anything I wanted I already had, I only needed to turn to the universe and ask. While we as human beings never create, we are made of the same universal intelligence. And we can use the creative power of God, the Universe, Mind, or whatever the higher power one choses to follow.

Life got crazy though. I made decisions that kept me away from the spiritual center and eventually stopped meditating and attending services all together. I fell back into negative habits and began blaming people for my problems instead of taking responsibility for them. I began feeding my resentments and hating instead of loving. I began to fall into the woe is me again. So here I stand starting all over. Planning how to get my life back to the place where I am aware of my true self and the power that I possess even when I feel powerless. Doctor Ernerst Holmes, founder of Science of Mind, says that the best way to transform a situation is to give your full attention to the things that you do want. This brings me back to an earlier entry I posted about choice and decision. In order to focus on what you want, You have to know what you want. (sigh) I don’t yet know 100% what that is because I don’t yet know how to believe that what I want is possible for me. I doubt and I doubt hard. I know that is the problem. Why don’t I believe that I can have even the basic things that other people have? I know. I’ve spent years telling myself that I’m not deserving or that I should content myself with less. Sadly, despite all my knowledge of self and my disdain for my current situation, I still believe that. I guess I have a long way to go. But that is my story, The whole truth.

LLW

C.renee

The End of the Challenge

As you may have noticed, I’ve Decided to abandon ship on the whole positivity challenge. As much as I wanted to stick to it, I absolutely did not make it.  I had a category 5 meltdown on day 14 and decided that I needed to take a break from the quest for a while. However, In the spirit of being kind to myself, I’ve decided not to beat myself up about it.  I don’t consider it a failure because I intent to go back to it. I am still going to try to be positive, just not cold turkey like that. I realize that I am learning and when you’re learning you make mistakes and besides that, being positive in the face of a life filled with negativity is sooooo hard. But what is done is done and I’m ready to move forward.  I decided to prepare better for the next time and I started by going back to my spiritual center today for the first time in almost 6 months. I met with a practitioner to do some affirmative prayer work with me. He and I affirmed my peace and balance. I’m strong enough now to get back up and try to get back in balance, but I have doubts. 

 

I have to be honest with you all, I’ve been really really really down. I’ve been extremely sad to the point where I haven’t been eating and I don’t want to get out of bed in the morning. Its been bad. I understand fully that life going to have obstacles and challenges. I just never thought that it would be so lonely. I never thought that I would be going through life year after year alone. I never thought that I would fall into depression over being alone either, but both things happened. I just don’t have the life I envisioned for myself and I don’t feel like I have any control either.  I really really hate my job. I really do. I feel so stuck. I can’t see any good in my life right now. I know there is good, I know it, but I can’t see it and that is why I had to stop the positivity challenge.  The more I didn’t get what I wanted the harder it was to stay positive.  Even now I’m just clinging to the hope that things will get better soon. I am hoping that the emptiness goes away and that things just fall into place. I’m feeling really broken and a lot beaten down, but I am still a dreamer.

LLW

c.renee

Day 14

This isn’t going to be my most emotionally charged post. I consider myself to be in the eye of the storm. I’ve been in this spirally whirlwind of insight and emotions and events and situations that spark needs and wants and choices and right now, at this very moment, I’m sitting in the eye. There is calm and peace right now, but things aren’t resolved. I can see the last bit of the storm coming ahead and I’m bracing myself with meditation. I would like to get as much personal insight as possible before it hits. Ultimately, today was fine. all was calm and I fell that things are waiting for me to settle. Tomorrow is Day 15. I’ll let you know how it goes.

LLW

c.renee

Check this out, a lovely reminder of how and why we should be positive and Live Like Wind 🙂

Lunasea Life

This is comprehensive and profound. However, my advice wouldn’t be to quit your job.

My advice would be to be so honest and authentic that they have no choice but to fire you; then you sign up for unemployment to support a minimalistic lifestyle while you heal your heart and learn to hear the messages it’s been trying to tell you all these years. Preferably in another country.

As I sit here typing this post at Baraka cafe in Palermo Soho in Buenos Aires, Argentina, a Ladybug landed on my table.

I’m sitting inside. What is a Ladybug doing inside of a restaurant? Maybe waiting to order. Waiters are slow in Buenos Aires, Ladybug. Hope you’re not too hungry.

I have blogged about Ladybugs twice prior to today:

once on August 8th 2010 (the date on the blog is wrong for some reason), and

once on January 27th 2011.

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Day 13

Its day 13 and as you may have read, Day 12 was pretty rough. I got through it with few scars, but mentally, it was one of my more difficult days. I’m not gonna say what happened, because that would just be reliving an unpleasant situation, but I will say that I learned a lesson in choices that I hope to keep current in my mind as I move forward in this journey today. Iyanla Vanant says this about choice in her book, Faith in the Valley, “How can we expect life to bless and support when we say one thing, think something else, and feel a completely different way. We are sending the universe mixed messages…In order to get what we want we must say what we mean, in order to say what we mean we must know what we want. When we know what we want, we can think and speak positively with great expectations.” That passage was actually about clarity, however I understand the message to be about choice. I’m guilty of being a default choice maker. I say I want one thing, I have doubt that its attainable, but pursue that thing full of doubt anyway. I never really get what I want, because I never really decide. For example, I tell every and anyone who will listen that I would like a boyfriend. Sometimes I even cry about it because I feel so alone. But in my moments of clarity I think, what guy would want to date me, I even tell myself I’m still not ready for a boyfriend and go about the task of picking out all the things that are physically not appealing to a man or all the little quirks that I just know no other person could deal with. ultimately I cry to the universe to end my loneliness and then convince it that I am better off alone. I suspect that most of that stems from the heartbreak I experienced (5 years ago!!!!) and the assemblage of bad dates since then. But that’s a story for another post that isn’t centered around my quest for a positive outlook on life. My point is, I don’t make a solid decision. I’m always at war with myself when it comes to what I want. There is a part of me that thinks I should have better and there is a part of me that doesn’t think I CAN have better or do better. I need to change this. I want so many good things, but let doubt and fear and anything else that looks like an obstacle get in my way. I need to be clear about my intention and desire. This isn’t a topic that goes not go down smoothly. Recognizing that I have difficulty with clarity and choice is just the beginning. I need to practice introspection through meditation and find out what is at the core of this problem. In my next few posts I’ll probably revisit this. In the meantime, my affirmations are: 1. I will do the things I fear 2. I will know that nothing lasts forever 3. I can change if I chose 4. the past is just that, past 5. I am always enough; I have gotten myself this far, so I have faith I can take a few more steps.

LLW

c.renee